Happy Birthday, Jacob

On June 8, 2004, we lost the first of our little angel babies.  The loss of Jacob Michael Green, and then Emily Anne a little over a year later, started us down a road that continues to amaze and bless us.  Christi detailed the beginning of our adoption journey in a blog post a few years ago.  If you're interested, you can read that post here.

Our two little ones born into the arms of God are buried in the Herriman cemetery.  Here are some pictures of our most recent visit.  Christi does a great job keeping their headstone adorned.  I love the white theme she chose this Memorial Day.

Emily Anne

To the most exquisitely beautiful little girl we have ever known.

Emily Anne

"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. . . . All children are redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ, and the moment that children leave this world, they are taken to the bosom of Abraham. The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable wicked world.”-- Joseph Smith



"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or in the next, Sunday will come.

"I testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him."-- Joseph B. Wirthlin



My tiny sweet angel, who changed my life in a thousand ways... Happy Birthday!

Easter

I know it's a bit early, but today I have Easter on my mind! I have it on my mind because I have Jacob and Emily on my mind, and I'm sure you can figure out why that leads me to thoughts of Easter. (:

When asked my favorite holiday, I've always gone back and forth between Easter and Christmas, usually with Easter prevailing. (: There are many reasons that I adore Easter. I love to color eggs. I love the happy, optimistic feeling that comes with Spring. I love the Easter bunny and the fun little gifts he leaves me! I love love love our annual tradition of going "Eastering." For those of you not blessed enough to know what Eastering is, let me fill you in! Eastering denotes: camping in the beautiful Utah desert with your entire extended (think about 200) family, going rapelling and four-wheeling, singing around campfires, hunting for Easter eggs and arrowheads, games with all of your cousins, exploring, rolling eggs down the hills (signifying the stone being rolled from the sepluchre), stories and testimonies, catching up with beloved family, braving the wind, and getting very, very dirty. Food must include: scotcheroos, dutch oven chicken, sticky rice with mango, Diane's cheesecake, toasted English muffins with eggs and bacon, hoagies, puffed wheat balls, and handfuls from Grandma's bowl of Easter candy-- but also may, of course, include various other delicious dishes. The campfire isn't complete without "Here Comes Elmer," "Where Have all the Flowers Gone?," "I Am a Child of God," "Peter Cottontail," and "The Other Day I Met a Bear." Ah.... Good times, good times.

But I love Easter the most because of what it represents.

An empty tomb.

A risen Lord.

I was so blessed to have the opportunity to spend a semester studying abroad in the Holy Land. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I was able to walk the shores of Galilee, sing Christmas songs on the hills overlooking Bethlehem, climb Mount Sinai to watch the sunrise, kneel in the Garden of Gethsemane, sing hymns in an "upper room" dating to the time of Christ, wade in the waters of Jordan, walk the road to Jericho, and much, much more. All of those places were sacred, yes. But my most favorite place to visit, and I went there often, was the Garden Tomb. In fact, many Sabbath mornings you could find me there, with my roommates or friends, studying our scriptures and basking in the Spirit that was there. I think the thing that I loved about it the most, was the peaceful JOY that was found within its walls. There was so much JOY there!! (: (: (:

I remember well the first time that I went to the Garden Tomb. We were laughing and chatting, my friends and I, as we walked along the streets to the entrance. But the second we stepped inside the garden walls, we were immediately subdued. The sacredness inside was felt by all. It was such a stark contrast to what was felt just outside its walls. I walked inside the tomb itself with these friends. We stood there for a minute in silence, until one of the guys started singing, "I Know that My Redeemer Lives." We all joined in, tears pouring down our cheeks, and the Spirit that permeated that tomb was tangible beyond words. It was one of the most reverent, sacred moments of my life.

I know He lives.

And because He lives, Jacob and Emily live.

And Elli and Lexi will see. And Sophi will put her arms around me. And Graci and Xander will run with ease. And all of my children will be eternally gathered in my arms.

And that is why I love Easter.



(If you double click, you can get the full picture)

I love you, dear Emily Anne!

She would be turning five today.

And because of her short life, we now have THREE living children her age. Yes-- Emily, Elli, Xander, and Lexi were all born within a year of each other. (: None of them would be here with us if Emily hadn't returned to her Heavenly Father when she did.

What fun they will someday have all together... Emily and Xander with their perfect bodies, Elli and Lexi with their perfect eyesight... What a joyous day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't help all those exclamation marks. (:



When we left our home during the fire last week, we gathered our precious things. These included Emily's box (and Jacob's too, of course) of momentos from her birth. When we came home and put things away, I went through those boxes and looked at every single thing. Every picture. Every card sent to us by friends and family. Every photocopy of letters we had written and left in their caskets. Every momento, including the dress we first dressed Emily in, the blanket we first wrapped Jacob in, and replicas of the stuffed animals they were buried with.

I saw her birth announcement with the little pink footprints, reading in part:

"May these feet leave their footprints across your heart as they have ours."

I saw the chart that had been posted on our fridge stating who was set up to bring us meals and who was helping with the kids. (Thanks, McKenzie.) I saw the little note cards that had come with flowers sent by loved ones. I read each card sent to us, and was reminded of the love sent our way by so many people.

Just so you know, I needed every single one.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the sweet people in my life!


Thank you!


A few pictures to share...


Jessica hugging the bunny Emily would be buried with.



Her casket-- I made it out of a large jewelry/silverware box. The dress was made by a woman from church, her bracelet by my friend, Teresa, (who made matching ones for Jesi and myself), and the beautiful blanket by Jeremy's sister, Jennifer.




Jeremy singing at her graveside service. He sang a song we had written together, and another entitled "The Things I Know." Part of the words are as follows:

I know little babies come from heaven
I know God made her tiny hands and heart
I know rainbows and roses are no accident
Neither are the sun and moon and stars

So when I doubt
And there are things in life I just can't figure out
I trust that He
Is in control
And I hold on
To the things I know



Taylor and Parker sang "Families Can Be Together Forever"




My boys buried her.







It was a sacred day.


Love you, birthday girl!
-Christianne




PS About my comment to Jeremy in the previous post... it was, of course, said in jest! I am very nice to my hubby. And I know that he really isn't a scrooge.

Most of the time.
(:

Oh, and speaking of my sweetheart-- it was his birthday on the 23rd! I didn't get the chance to post it on the blog--it was a crazy, special day that I will write about later, but in the meantime, feel free to send him belated birthday wishes and congrats for getting so close to 40! (;

Happy Birthday, Emily!

I don't have it in me to post tonight, but wanted Emmy remembered.

Last year, I did better and wrote more about her-- you can read it HERE and HERE.

Thanks for those who sent kind words our way today-- and thanks, Mom and Dad, for the beautiful flowers. LOVED them.

I have finally updated Elli's site...

...and am pledging to be better at keeping it up. (:

(As Jennifer put it well, Elli may not be forsaken, but her blog is!)

Click HERE to read.


Also, being Memorial Day weekend, we are of course thinking of our sweet, amazing loved ones who have passed on. We are especially missing those we have lost in the last few years:

Tiffany Rose (Jeremy's darling little sister-- died at age 22 in a car accident)

Grandpa Larsen (my grandfather-- a WWII veteran and amazing man)

Grandpa Green (Jeremy's grandfather-- a hard worker with a quick wit)

Grandma Nelson (my grandmother and one of my most treasured friends)

Keltson Blackburn (our sweet neighbor and Taylor's primary teacher)

and of course our darling Jacob and Emily.

We love you.

My surety with God

Well, I wasn't really going to journal about Emily-- because the emotions are still so personal and even if I wanted to share them, I really don't have the words. But I've been looking at her slideshow over and over, reminiscing about the days surrounding her birth and I thought it may be therapeutic to write down just a couple of the sweet experiences I was given during such a hard time.

I found out that Emily had passed away just a couple of weeks after finding out we were having a girl. I had been on blood thinner (after Jacob's birth/death we found out I had a blood clotting disorder) and so the doctors wanted me to wait 48 hours before delivering her so I could get the blood thinner out of my system. So for two days, I knew she wasn't alive-- but was sent home without delivering her. Those two days were, in a word, a nightmare. I was completely dysfunctional and my house completely fell apart. I had just gotten a large box of maternity clothes from my sister and that first night I threw the clothes, one by one, around the room in a mad rage. I didn't pick up one toy or one diaper or one dish or do ANYTHING besides try to make arrangements for her casket, dress, etc. Needless to say, my house (which wasn't clean to begin with) looked like it had been hit with a tornado.

When I was in the hospital, a dear friend came and borrowed a key from Jeremy. I guess a phone call from one church friend to another quickly spread, and when she arrived at our home with the key, mini-vans were lined up around the block to my home. It was lovingly dubbed "The Mormon Minivan Brigade." My house was not only cleaned and organized top to bottom, but all my laundry (we're talking LOADS) was done and the kitchen stocked. I was at first hugely embarrassed, but soon realized what an AMAZING blessing had been given to me. A friend kept the kids the first night we came home from the hospital, and instead of spending time trying to get my house in some kind of order after just giving birth, I was able to sit down with Jeremy in my beautiful home and BREATHE. We spent the night eating a wonderful dinner, looking through scrapbooks, listening to uplifting music-- and before the night was over I felt so much peace. So THAT was a beautiful, tender mercy of the Lord. Thank-you, my dear Tennessee friends.

The morning I went to deliver Emily I went into a total panic because I couldn't find our camera. I knew from Jacob how precious pictures would become and became nearly hysterical when it was time to leave and I still couldn't find it. Jeremy ended up going next door and borrowing the neighbor's. We took at least 50 pictures of her at the hospital, and more later at the funeral home when we let Taylor and Parker hold her. I needed to develop the pictures quickly so I could return the camera, so I went to Walmart's one hour photo. As I pulled into the parking lot to pick them up, I starting having a panic attack. I seriously felt like I couldn't breathe. Up to this point I hadn't really talked to anyone-- I was staying holed up in my room-- and was just a mess around people. I was so worried that I would go up to the counter and some young teenager would pull my photos out of the envelope for all to see and I would have to actually have to have a conversation about the pics and try to explain it and I was just PANICKED. Those pictures were, and still are, so precious and sacred to me and I didn't want just anyone to see them. I seriously felt like I would die if I had to look at them with other people around. Well, I tried to control my hysteria and finally made my way to the back of the store. There was a HUGE line. They were totally busy. PANIC!!! How was I not going to have a complete meltdown in the store? I said a little prayer in my heart and just cringed as I watched the person behind the counter pull out and flip through the pictures of everyone in front of me (making sure they were the right pics and they were happy with them). I finally reached the counter and gave her my slip.

She pulled out a big fat envelope with a sticker on it that said $0.00 and handed it over to me without opening it. She said, "It looks like there's no charge on these. Please have a good day."

I was able to walk out of the store without saying a word.

Whoever had decided not to charge me for the pictures, also printed doubles and THREE digital CDs.

A tender mercy.

I felt loved.

I knew then, beyond a doubt, that my Father in Heaven was aware of my every need. That He knew me and was holding me and was hurting for me. It was the simplest gesture-- worth just a few dollars, but it has never left me. It has made me wonder how often we are the hands of the Lord. How often does He work through us to accomplish His great purposes. I have often thought about that compassionate person in the store who didn't charge me for my pictures. So grateful he or she did what the Savior would do if He were here.

Am I still enough to hear His promptings? Am I in tune enough to help Him answer the prayers of others?

A lot to think about. I am so so thankful for my darling Emily Anne and the lessons that I have learned through her short little life. These are just two of the sweet experiences I have had because of her. She has impacted my life in a profound way. I will absolutely never be the same because of her, and I am so humbled to have her in my life. Thank-you Emily, for all you have given me. You and Jacob have done a tremendous work here on this earth. Thank-you for leading us to China, and for lighting the way home to heaven. You are my surety with God-- there is nothing I wouldn't do to be worthy to live with you again. I love you.


P.S. Graci is doing FABULOUS! (:

Happy Birthday, Emily Anne

Stillborn--
Born, still in the arms of God.
Born, still in the knowledge
Of His grace, and of His love.
Born, still to us
But alive to God!